Before I get into the nitty-gritty of this post: sign-ups for the next session of Worldbuilding Wednesday will still be active through tomorrow! Go check it out!
There’s a lot coming up otherwise this week, too. I’m the featured Blogger of the Month for the Oklahoma Women Bloggers, and my posts there will go up every Monday, starting tomorrow.
In addition, I will also be participating in the Christian Science Fiction & Fantasy Blog Tour this week. That post will go up on Tuesday.
November did not go as planned or expected in the slightest.
I’m going to try not to be too depressing with this post, but no promises.
You probably noticed that I never got another NaNo update up after the first week. Never fear – I finished NaNo, but blogging had to fall much lower down the list of priorities for a while.
The most pressing issue of November… is that Mr. Loper was laid off. He is unemployed as of December 3rd, and while we’re okay at least through the end of the year, and we are currently a couple of months ahead on the mortgage (we don’t owe another payment until February), I’m trying not to think too much about what happens in January.
We still have one more full paycheck to receive yet, and he’ll still get the COLA (cost of living adjustment) that every employee at the company gets at the end of the year. We’ll see how far we can make those things stretch, and also see if we can get at least another month ahead on the mortgage.
Then… when we were driving back from out-of-town Thanksgiving night, because we’d spent the afternoon/evening with my mother-in-law, we had a tire go flat on the drive home (just for setting, it was only a few degrees above freezing, dark, and POURING RAIN). While we were driving. We were in a construction zone (because Oklahoma roads are a new kind of special, let me tell you!) and the lane was redirected partially onto the shoulder, and so we must have hit something.
Initially, we thought we’d just had the tire pop off the rim, but no, when we were finally able to mess with it (because the spare went flat, TOO, but at least only while the car was sitting in the garage), Mr. Loper found a giant hole in the sidewall of the tire. And because it did whatever it did to go flat while we were driving, the rim was bent out of shape as well. He was able to, erm, coerce the rim back into shape with a sledgehammer, though we still have to get an intact tire on it to test it out and see if it will still seal.
Suffice to say, for the last half of November, I was more than a little overwhelmed.
The finances had to be reconfigured. Plans canceled or set aside until, hopefully, there is money for ‘extras’ again. And by ‘extras’ I mean necessities that just aren’t VITAL at this very moment in time. We were just barely getting ahead enough to even consider true extras. I was hopeful that we’d be able to start figuring out a replacement vehicle in the next couple of months. Now… that’s at least 6-12 months down the road again, in our own means.
There were last-minute appointments, because Mr. Loper’s flexible spending account would only be good through his last day of employment. We still have medical insurance through the end of the year, but since our insurance didn’t cover some of the things, I’m already looking around at some other options. Like healthcare sharing ministries. We’ll see.
Oh, and did I mention that in the middle of all of that, our credit card number was stolen?
I know when it happened. I know where it happened. But I feel completely powerless about changing any of that situation, because my card never left my hands. I never exposed it fully. There was no one standing near me who could have taken a picture of it. There was no device on the card-swipey-thing to get my information that way, because I look for those things. Unless, of course, they suddenly got really sophisticated.
Fortunately, our credit card company caught the faulty transaction, but in the meantime, it means we’re without a credit card. I can’t do any online Christmas shopping, there are at least two bills that I will have to re-set-up payment for, and I’m still in limbo because the replacement cards with a new number haven’t arrived in the mail yet.
And somewhere right before all of that started, we had a bout with leg mites on the chickens, and I think one of the older hens has coccidiosis. So they’re all being/have been treated. Fun times.
In the meantime, though, as my life slowly calms down enough after NaNoWriMo, and then the unending stress, I’m realizing that I’m reeling from all the blows.
And I don’t know what to make of my life anymore.
I’m thirty years old. We’ve been married for almost eight years. I’m nowhere near the point where I wanted to be. Where I thought we’d SURELY be by now. I thought I’d be done having children at this point. I never dreamed that we wouldn’t have even started yet.
I thought we’d have some savings. Not that we’d still be living paycheck to paycheck and just barely starting to inch ahead. And now that ‘ahead’ is gone.
I thought I would have a book published. Or even a short story. For pay. But nope.
I’m so tired of being tired. I’m so tired of having hopes and dreams, and then having to watch as they crumble over and over again while nearly everyone around me gets to see theirs fulfilled.
I don’t know how to want to keep going on sometimes.
I’m just so tired.
I don’t even want to write anymore. Everything is about putting food on the table, or paying the bills. I can barely justify the time to spend being creative (if I even felt like it) because there’s other things that always HAVE to be taken care of.
I just… can’t see a reason, most of the time, anymore. I’m going through the motions out of habit, because maybe, just maybe, eventually I’ll feel alive again if I act like it. Maybe.
Sometimes one can only hope to hope, right?
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,but when longing is fulfilled, it is a tree of life.Proverbs 13:12