Please don’t try to destroy me like 2013 did.
I’m sorry the blog has been so quiet the past few weeks. After Tabby’s passing, and then the rush of the holidays, I just didn’t have the emotional energy to figure out something to say for, well, the general public. There was about a week of non-stop crying, followed by a little less crying, and then a really good week (emotionally), now followed by good days interspersed with days where something feels off, and then it hits me that Tabby really is gone.
I really hate the grieving process, but I’m relieved that, to some extent, I got to enjoy Christmas.
My husband also gets Christmas Eve through New Year’s Day off (this is one of the reasons why I love the company he works for. Everyone gets that time off, because they CLOSE completely for it.) and I just needed a break to start putting myself back together after everything that had happened.
Once we actually got through Christmas Day (Christmas brunch with my family, sans the… troublesome one, then time spent in the afternoon with father-in-law’s side of the family), there was time for quiet. I spent a lot of time reading, a lot of time watching anime (finally got hubby to give Sword Art Online a shot cackles), and lots of time playing word games, haha.
There’s also been the adventure of caring for a wounded chicken, but I’ll go more into that in a Down on the (Sub)Urban Farm post in the next couple weeks. Suffice it to say, my bathroom is not my own, currently >_<.
2013 had some good things happen, but the things that drained me emotionally far outweighed the things that built me up, and I’ve entered 2014 feeling a little dazed and lost.
It took me a month to figure out what I wanted to tackle for January, let alone the rest of the year.
For the first time since I was a teenager, I have started a new year without having any concrete goals of what I want to accomplish.
And it’s okay.
Yes, there are things I want to do, things I know I need to get done, but I feel like that this year I need to not write out personal goals, because 2013 showed me just how much life can throw you under the bus.
That said, 2013 was not the worst year I’ve ever had by far. That would have been the twelve months spanning from June 2003 – June 2004, when my brother was in the hospital for six months and we really should have sued a doctor.
This year was not as bad as that.
But it came mighty close.
Good things did happen in 2013, though.
- My fifth wedding anniversary (which our sixth – holy cow! – anniversary is on Sunday!)
- I actually completed several rounds of revisions of a novel (Catalyst), and placed in two contests with it. Third place for the Curiosity Quills NaNo Virtuosos, and *gasp* FIRST PLACE in the Sci-fi/Fantasy/Horror unpublished novel category in the OWFI annual contest.
- I pitched to actual agents, and survived!
- My autistic brother-in-law graduated from highschool!
- I have an agent interested in Catalyst, and she wants me to re-submit after some revisions (and she read the whole thing and gave me feedback, so I know which direction to go with fixing it, it’s just a matter of actually doing it).
- I finally got the courage to claim back some of my life for myself, and permanently removed a toxic person from influence over me, at least as much as is possible when that person is still technically a member of the family.
- Got to see some extended family from halfway across the country.
- Won NaNoWriMo (fifth time!)
- Got in my first garden at the house, though I was quickly overwhelmed with other things. I got a bumper crop of peas, and tomatoes, though. And I got my asparagus crowns in, so I will actually have an asparagus harvest this spring!
- Watched a cardinal grow up, and he’s a bright (literally, haha) spot each day when he comes to steal chicken feed.
- The Hobbit!
- And as much as the memories hurt right now, I was given time to actually say goodbye to Tabby. I don’t know that I could have handled something abrupt this past year, and I’m so desperately thankful I was given time to prepare for what was coming.
- I finally got my piano from mom. It’s an antique, at least 45 years old, probably 50. Old enough that it has ivory keys. It’s the piano my mom learned to play on, and I learned to play on it too, though I don’t play anywhere near as well, or extensively, as mom does. It’s in desperate need of tuning currently, so it’s sitting unused in the living room right now.
Blah, it’s time to wrap up this post. There’s a chicken squawking for me in the bathroom.
2013 ended up being the year where I bent over backwards trying to keep everyone else put-together, and while some people legitimately needed my help, I can’t do it again this year.
2014 is going to be about taking care of me.
I’m going to be 29 in May. It’s time that I started living my life, instead of having to take care of everyone else. That doesn’t mean I can’t be there for people when they actually need help, but I cannot be counselor and doctor all the time. Especially for people who refuse to change their circumstances. People are going to have to learn to stand on their own two feet a little more often.
Because it’s my turn to get to start a family, to get to accomplish my dreams.
This year, I’m going to make sure and take a few more glimpses outside the little bubble of my computer and my family, and see what’s happening in the world around me a little more. To see who else I can make a difference for beyond my immediate family.
I am going to write, but I need more life experiences (beyond frustration and tragedy) to write better, so I’m going to go out of my way for better experiences.
I’m going to get healthy, because hubby and I do want to start a family soon, but I need to not be exhausted all the time.
And I’m going to turn this house into a home, and make it so we can rely more on ourselves than on commercial products.
So overall, I’m aiming for a better quality of life, vs. just doing things.
Wish me luck (and courage)!
Oh, and btw, it’s #WriteMotivation time again!
They’ve got a shiny new website up, and I’m just sorry I couldn’t get a post up before sign-ups closed to help spread the word, but oh well! Next time!
I finally got my goals in just in time before the sign-ups closed last night, so here’s what I’m attempting for the month of January (writing-wise).
- Clean off desk and get it usable. Once done, start working on organizing filing cabinet.
- Get at least one-third of the way through Catalyst (Undoing bk 1) revisions.
- Outline first five chapters of Catalyst sequel, more if possible, and get character charts in order.
- Finish world map for Undoing and figure out the calendar.
You can see all the #WriteMotivation participants and their goals on the Roll Call. I’ll make my around to all of you in the next couple days!
Happy New Year, everyone!