I’ve given up on hoping for good months. I’m down to hoping for good days, and good hours, because evidently that’s all I’m going to get anymore.
It’s so hard – impossible, rather – to find the desire to create inside you when life keeps ripping away not just the things that you love, but the things that you NEED.
I have begun to believe that my only purpose in life is to be everyone else’s invisible errand girl. Because as soon as there’s hope that I might get to be something more, to get to live even a portion of my life for myself, and find some enjoyment and fulfillment, it’s ripped away from me before I can even see a glimmer of that reality.
All I have are dreams.
And when your dreams have been ripped away from you enough, soon you start to think that perhaps that’s all they should be – dreams.
Because trying to make them come true hurts too much.
I want to be a writer. I want to be self-sufficient. I want for my husband to be able to drive, whether that means me teaching him (which the last attempt did not go well), or it means me paying someone else to teach him.
I want to have money left over at the end of the month.
I want to be a mom.
I am watching so many people, people I love dearly, get to live these dreams the past few years. And I’m trying so hard not to be bitter, but how long do I have to watch other people live the life I dream of?
And every time it looks like I might get to have A dream (not even the whole dream, just a PART of a dream) come true, something comes and steals it.
I have to pick up the slack for so many people, and no one is there to pick up the slack for me – the people who can choose not to, and the people who want to aren’t capable. Or at least that’s how it seems in my head.
I can pay to have things fixed, or I can pay for necessities. But right now the things I need fixed ARE necessities, and I can only pay for one or the other. What do you do in that situation? I’m still trying to figure it out.
Brandon and I talked not too long ago. We WANT to start a family, but I really need him driving, and I need things to stop breaking so we can just get ahead even a little.
He’s okay with it if I don’t go back to work, and since we want to homeschool eventually, that would be the ideal situation.
But things keep breaking, and we can’t afford to fix them, and I don’t even know how to keep eating, let alone have another mouth to feed.
I’m so tired. I’m so tired of broken dreams and broken cars and having to buy everything secondhand, and having to sacrifice quality just… to have something. I’m so tired of having to be there for everyone and no one can help me in return.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
What do you do when you don’t even want to try anymore, because you know how it’s going to end?
The journey isn’t worth it when you have to keep turning back. Or when you keep being pushed off a cliff.
My progress on #WriteMotivation goals is essentially unchanged from last week. Like I said… the motivation is pretty much gone.