My #WriteMotivation (and perhaps life-motivation) Has Gone Up and Went…

I’ve given up on hoping for good months. I’m down to hoping for good days, and good hours, because evidently that’s all I’m going to get anymore. 

It’s so hard – impossible, rather – to find the desire to create inside you when life keeps ripping away not just the things that you love, but the things that you NEED.

I have begun to believe that my only purpose in life is to be everyone else’s invisible errand girl. Because as soon as there’s hope that I might get to be something more, to get to live even a portion of my life for myself, and find some enjoyment and fulfillment, it’s ripped away from me before I can even see a glimmer of that reality.

All I have are dreams.

And when your dreams have been ripped away from you enough, soon you start to think that perhaps that’s all they should be – dreams.

Because trying to make them come true hurts too much.

I want to be a writer. I want to be self-sufficient. I want for my husband to be able to drive, whether that means me teaching him (which the last attempt did not go well), or it means me paying someone else to teach him.

I want to have money left over at the end of the month.

I want to be a mom.

I am watching so many people, people I love dearly, get to live these dreams the past few years. And I’m trying so hard not to be bitter, but how long do I have to watch other people live the life I dream of?

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And every time it looks like I might get to have A dream (not even the whole dream, just a PART of a dream) come true, something comes and steals it.

I have to pick up the slack for so many people, and no one is there to pick up the slack for me – the people who can choose not to, and the people who want to aren’t capable. Or at least that’s how it seems in my head.

I can pay to have things fixed, or I can pay for necessities. But right now the things I need fixed ARE necessities, and I can only pay for one or the other. What do you do in that situation? I’m still trying to figure it out.

Brandon and I talked not too long ago. We WANT to start a family, but I really need him driving, and I need things to stop breaking so we can just get ahead even a little.

He’s okay with it if I don’t go back to work, and since we want to homeschool eventually, that would be the ideal situation.

But things keep breaking, and we can’t afford to fix them, and I don’t even know how to keep eating, let alone have another mouth to feed.

I’m so tired. I’m so tired of broken dreams and broken cars and having to buy everything secondhand, and having to sacrifice quality just… to have something. I’m so tired of having to be there for everyone and no one can help me in return.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

What do you do when you don’t even want to try anymore, because you know how it’s going to end?

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The journey isn’t worth it when you have to keep turning back. Or when you keep being pushed off a cliff.

My progress on #WriteMotivation goals is essentially unchanged from last week. Like I said… the motivation is pretty much gone.

12 thoughts on “My #WriteMotivation (and perhaps life-motivation) Has Gone Up and Went…

  1. *GREAT BIG HUGS*

    Your story sounds so much like mine! Really, I think we are living parallel lives!

    Always remember God’s timing is not our timing. Pray for the strength and patience to see you through. It’s all we got.

    There have been so many people I’ve been so jealous of their good fortunes. So much so it drags me under and I can’t see the light of day. Please call me or email or whatever if you need to talk. I’m here. I’ve been there. I don’t want you do break down like I did over the holidays!

    *HUGS YOU TIGHT*

  2. Oh I so very much feel for you! I am chomping on the mommy bit as well. The most annoying thing I have found that people say to me is “there is never a right time to have a kid” I always want to scream at them. I understand how can you have a kid when you aren’t sure if you have money to feed and cloth them. Kids are way more expensive than puppies. I find I get very selfish when I don’t want to try anymore. I say f it to every possible thing and pay attention to what I want. Of anyone doesnt like it they can fall in line or hit the road. But that is just me. You have to do whats right foe you. However, at the end of the day the fact that you survive makes you a strong person. And sometimes just surviving is all you can focus on. Hugs!!

  3. <3 *so many hugs*

    That's how all of last year felt for me. One giant dump on Becka year, and all I could do was just try to make it through with my head barely above the water. It WILL end. There WILL be happiness again. Sometimes things just go piss-poor for a while and all you can do is ride it out.

  4. Hang in there, hon. I’ve had entire years with bad luck. All you can do is keep your head down and keep pushing that boulder forward.

    It feels like it never gets better and then all of a sudden you turn a corner. Believe me, it will happen.

    It does no good to tell you this because it feels oppressive to you right now. All I can tell you is that you have to have faith.

    PS We were never able to have children. It was depressing seeing everyone else with babies, but eventually we moved on and had a full life anyway.

  5. =( I feel for you. Rough times feel like they are never ending. Not long ago, hubby and I were in a situation like that, money was super tight, we couldn’t afford anything to go wrong and it was hard to see it ending. But it did! I really hope your tough times turn around sooner than later and you can look back and see the strength you gained from it.

  6. “…What do you do when you don’t even want to try anymore, because you know how it’s going to end?” It’s times like these when I back off and lay low for awhile. Take one thing and work on it and let the others sit. There will be light. Lady Jai’s words on timing are true. Be kind to yourself.

  7. Sending you all the hugs in the world and wishing I could send much more. For now steal your moments as you can. Take a bath. Read a book you already know you love. Then find a new one. Listen to your favorite music. Any small mental break you can find, give that to yourself for now. Sometime when the future is too uncertain or too worrisome or too upsetting, it’s best to look at the immediate for a little while. The future will be there. Perhaps while you are distracting yourself from it, it will change. (I know it is easier said than done, but even if you can distract yourself for a few minutes here and there it does help.)

  8. brennabraaten

    I truly wish things were going better for you. I’m so sorry life just won’t leave you along right now. But I know you’re strong, and I know you’ll push past this, unfair though it is.

  9. I know that things look dark now. I understand because I’m sitting somewhere between in the storm where you are and where the clouds are starting to break. (Yes, including the mommy bit. So much praying and trying and hoping that God will do a miracle.) But, whatever you do, don’t give up. It’s bad now, but things will get better. As CS Lewis once said, “Hardship often prepares an ordinary person for an extraordinary destiny.” You have an extraordinary destiny ahead of you. Just hang on a little longer. Praying that God starts opening doors for you and starts turning everything out for your best. {hugs!}

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  11. It gets better. Maybe not today or tomorrow. Maybe not for a hell of long time, but it does. I am living proof. It took me years and a lot of meds to get pregnant, but when I did, I had three babies at once. Those little suckers are teenagers now and I can barely remember how bad things were before they came. You’ll get through this, Rebekah.

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